It's that sudden awareness of what you've done and the damage you have caused that kills you inside. It's when you are at fault yet you can't help but feel like the victim.
If you've ever cheated on someone you love, this is the point when you realize that the one you cheated on, the one you hurt, is actually the one you wanted after all. You feel guilt and pain and just the thought of breaking his heart break yours into a million pieces. It's the point of not knowing whether things can be fixed and if you can be trusted again. You can't even trust yourself.
I fell in love with someone who loved me first, who promised to give me everything I dreamed of, who promised to take really good care of me and who loves me more than life itself. I couldn't help but fall.
It was actually a great love affair. We we're happy. We spent so much time together walking in love. But it wasn't all cotton candy and carousels. There were moments of trouble and sadness and chaos yet I always felt safe. He made sure I felt secure.
Life went on and threw me some issues but he was there with me through each and every pain. He never let go of my hand. He stayed with me even when I went all psycho. He loved me for everything that I am, hang ups and all. He loved me and took me in his arms because I was frail.
And that's just what I proved myself to be. Weak. That even when I have found true love, I felt discontented and cheated on him. I didn't plan on it though. I didn't want it to happen. But I was complacent. I wasn't careful. I turned a simple admiration into something else and corrupted a great friendship.
And all this happened while he watched. He saw how I fell in love with someone else. He saw how I made this other person my world while he slowly slipped away from my heart and my mind. He watched me as I turned my back on him. But he remained silent and remained in love with me..
It's that sudden awareness of what you've done and the damage you have caused that kills you inside. It's when you are at fault yet you can't help but feel like the victim.
I fell in love with God who loved me first, who promised to give me everything I dreamed of, who promised to take really good care of me and who loves me more than life itself.
But I was weak. And I cheated on Him. I fell in love again with my past life and indulged in sin while He watched and waited and stayed in love with me.
I know He's still there waiting for me. But I can't move. I'm paralyzed by this realization that I failed again. The story isn't finished. It's waiting for my next move...
You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble." So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet. (James 4:4-10 MSG)